Shutting it down.

Hey Kid -

Sorry it's been a while. I've been having serious thoughts about what to do with this little heartbreak repository, and I think it's got to go. No offense.

The truth of the matter is that I can't build on this. I can't turn this into a happy place later because it started at such a terrible place. I can't let you eventual life be overshadowed with an inauspicious beginning like this one. The miscarriage, the loss of O, the emotional fallout of the last 7 months, these are the facts of my life right now, but they aren't the *truth* of my life.

I'm working on it every day, kiddo. I have mostly good days now. Mostly. But I can't be chained to the past anymore. I have to let it go and move forward. I think about the lives I lost every day, and I probably always will. I can't imagine ever forgetting either of these two events, espcially since they are so closely linked. But I'll tell you something your Gammy said. "If you knew how it was going to end, would you do it differently? Would you not take in the stray kitten? If you are going to love and be loved, you have to be open to heartbreak. It's part of the bargain."

I'll probably print these pages out and keep them somewhere. More for the memories and dreams of O than for the reminder of how bleak a time it was. I hope to meet you on day, Kid. Until then, I'm starting fresh.

Love,
-Mama

Shame.

Dear Baby,

I drove to the library today to pick up my reserved copy of Alicia Silverstone's new book, The Kind Diet. I used it to prop up a bag of salt and vinegar chips that I ate on the drive home. Yeah. It's like that.

Love,
-Mama

It doesn't have to be a nightmare to suck.

Dear Baby,

I had another dream about O. Well, it was tangentially about him. I dreamt that the other kitties, K in particular, asked me where he was. She asked me (in English - that, however, was not strange to me in dreamland) why he hadn't come home yet.

I couldn't even type that sentence without crying.

I miss him so much, kid. I want to paint the inside of the house, but I can't even think about painting the living room - the one room in the house that desperately needs it - because I can't bear the thought of painting over the scratches he left on the walls climbing up on the window sill. (He was a lazy jumper.)

When he died, we had him cremated and we have his ashes in a little box with his name on it. At the time, I couldn't stand thinking that when we left this house we'd be leaving him behind. I wanted to bury him at our forever home, not at our starter home. We're leaving this place in the foreseeable future and I couldn't leave him behind. He was so important to us, kid, and I couldn't leave him behind.

But now I have a little box of ashes and his collar and that's all that's left of him. And I wonder if leaving him at the vet to be cremated that day was the right thing to do. I feel like we left him alone and now I have this little box staring at me and I don't know what to do with it. I figured I'd bury it when we got to our forever home, but now I wonder if burying him here wouldn't have been easier. In the sense that I could have said goodbye instead of wondering if all those horrible stories about mix-ups and swindles at cremation places are true. Now I know exactly where I would have buried him in our yard, and I would have planted a tree over him. But I still wouldn't have wanted to leave him behind when we left. I dunno, kid. It's feeling a little like "damned if you do, damned if you don't" right now.

I asked your Dad if he ever dreams about O. He didn't think so, but he never remembers his dreams anyway. I think we need a new category for dreams. We have dreams and nightmares, and nightmares are pretty well defined. But what about the dreams that are so heart achingly sad that you don't want to wake up from them and when you do you just cry all day? Nightbreaks? So-horrifically-sad-I'm-in-physical-pain? For-the-love-of-god-why-can't-I-forget-my-dreams-like-every-other-normal-person? Let me know if you have any ideas.

In the mean time, I'm trying the "stay up super late until I'm so exhausted I can't think straight" method for avoiding bad dreams. I can't muster up the energy for positive thoughts before bed, so that's gonna have to be my go-to for a while.

Love you, kid.
-Mama

A statute of limitations on whining.

Dear Baby,

I don't know if I have what it takes to be a blogger. I know. You're amazed to hear this given the 59 page long posts, but hear me out. I really enjoy reading blogs. Cooking blogs, parenting blogs, random blogs. It's a bit voyeuristic, but it's also inspiring. But these people talk about their lives and activities in a way that I find difficult to do myself. I could tell everyone what I think about the industrial food complex, or the cherry blossom trees in bloom, or what I had for breakfast, but I find myself wondering, who gives a fuck?

This is an abrupt departure for me, kid. Your Gammy will tell you one day. I used to want to be the center of attention. I wanted everyone to know what I ate for breakfast, and I thought they would not only desire this information, but might not survive the day without it. I look back at that girl and wonder if she was fun or just a narcissistic asshole. I hope it was at least a combo, though I suspect it was the latter. It seems, Baby, that somewhere along the path in my journey to adulthood, I became intensely private. Shy. A little paranoid even. Slightly agoraphobic and fearful of strangers. Is a bad (really bad) relationship to blame? Possibly. Probably. But at the end of the day, is it a bad thing that I am more private now? That I don't readily discuss the intimate details of my life any more? I don't think so.

The other issue is that I wanted to start this blog as a happy place. A place where I could tell my unborn child about the wonders that await. But instead it's become a repository for all of my sadness. I can't let go of the sadness, but I am getting a bit tired of my own whining. And I can't imagine anyone else wanting to listen to it. I mean, this isn't who I thought I'd be when I grew up. I didn't ever consider that I would be ordinary. That I would love my husband, hate my job, have a miscarriage and spend the next 6 months (and counting) trying to climb out of an emotional black hole. And let me be the first to tell you kid, no one ever writes their love story the way mine has gone.

"Fall in love, get married, spend a year trying to get pregnant. Have a miscarriage. Cry a lot. Obsess about having a miscarriage every month thereafter. Start talking about fertility tests and basal body temperatures and peak fertility days. Dread taking fertility meds. Wonder if you really are willing to do anything to get pregnant or if you are willing to accept that maybe this is Darwin's way of telling you that you are not the fittest."

Doesn't make for a great story, does it?

I have a few friends who are my age and married and childless. I want to ask them why. Is it their choice? Are they planning for kids? Have they gone through this heartbreak and given up rather than gone down the rabbit hole of injecting hormones into their stomachs every day? I want to ask these questions, but I don't want to answer them. So I don't ask. I have superficial conversations about yarn and farmer's markets and trips to Europe and I don't let any intimate details out. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm struggling. I won't let anyone get close.

I think I'm worried that no one wants to get close. I told a group of girlfriends about O and burst immediately into tears and I think it scared them. Not because they thought it was weird that I was crying for my cat - luckily, I found a group of women who cherish their pets as family, like we do. I think it scared them because people fear sadness. They fear that heartbreak and bad luck and sadness is contagious. If you get too close to someone who is having a tough time, either you'll get sucked into their drama spiral or you will start to have bad luck yourself. I want to assure them that I am not catching, but I don't think I can at this point.

When I was younger, I believed, deep in my soul, that I was fun and witty. That everyone wanted to be my friend and that I had something interesting to say to the world. As I've gotten older, I've started to realize that maybe none of these things are true. I'm lucky in a lot of ways, kid, don't get me wrong. I'm just not what I intended to be.

Love you.
-Mama

Ups and downs. But more ups now.

Dear Baby,

I told your Dad a few days ago that I didn't know if I was going to make it. I didn't mean it in the ominous music kind of way, but in the "I can't be a functioning human being" kind of way. I've been working really hard to hold it together lately, especially for him. I've been dumping a lot on your Dad, kiddo, and it's not fair. He's made it really easy to do so, and I forget that he's going through all of the things I'm going through. Granted, he doesn't have the added complications of the physical occurrences, and there is an argument to be made that the miscarriage didn't affect him in the same way, but there's still been sadness in the household in general. The bottom line is that your Dad deserves to have me fully present and emotionally available. He deserves a happier marriage than we are having right now. Well, I shouldn't say it that way. I should say he deserves a happier household than we have right now. Our marriage is the only thing getting me through this.

I'm starting actually be friends with a group of women, and I've discovered that I really missed having women friends. There's a big difference between acquaintances and friends, and I didn't realize there was a void until they stepped in to fill it. I'm finding that one of the keys to my recovery is being accountable. It's so easy to get complacent about accountability with your Dad because he sees how hard it's been for me and gives me a pass. But he shouldn't. And having friends helped me to see that. The down side is that I don't want to be accountable. To anyone. I want to sit on the couch and watch movies and cry. I recognize that this is not healthy. I'm okay with it.

Well, not really.

The thing is, I have good days. A lot of them. Sometimes a bunch in a row even. But it's what I imagine drugs must be like, because the lows afterward are that much more unbearable. Because they catch me off guard. I had a solid two week run of keepin' it together and bein' productive. So this week when I came to the end of that run, I was all the more devastated for it. I think I'm starting to see my way out though and it's such a relief. I figured that I was spiralling down in to a pretty serious depression, but I also figured that I'd snap out of it at some point. Six months later, there's no snapping. So I guess I should be grateful that I'm having good days at all. Maybe instead of snapping, I'm climbing. Mt. Everest. Without oxygen tanks. In a bathing suit. In the winter. Uphill, both ways.

I'm also getting to the point where I want to do something when I'm sad. This is a good sign, kid. For a long stretch of time, I didn't want to do anything, and I was sad all the time. Now I'm sad most of the time, but instead of wallowing, a few days ago I discovered that I actually wanted to do something. Like clean - really deep, scrubbing with bleach kind of cleaning - or go for a run. (Okay, maybe a brisk walk. Your Mom is way out of shape, kid.)

I'm feeling hopeful, kiddo. Which is good because next month I have to go talk to the doctor about why I can't get pregnant, or why I can't stay pregnant, rather. Maybe she'll also tell me how to stop thinking I've had another miscarriage every time I get my period. I need to store some of that hopeful feeling up. I'm going to need it...

I love you.
-Mama

A dream about a kitty.

Dear Baby,

Last night, I dreamed about O. It was a really vivid dream, and I was so profoundly sad when I woke up. The thing is, in my dream, I knew I was dreaming. I have never in my life had a dream where I knew I was dreaming. (Well, none that I can remember anyway.)

In my dream, I was so heartbroken and missing O so badly, and he came to visit. And I knew I was dreaming his visit, but it was kind of like he came to my dream because that was the only place we could interact together. In my dream, he came to see me because he knew how badly I needed him at that moment and he wanted me to know that he was okay and I was okay and that he was still around in some way.

I petted him and smelled his fur and rested my head on his belly and held him, and he purred and cuddled with me. It was so realistic, kid, that when I woke up I was even more sad. I woke up crying and haven't really been able to stop all day.

Here's the thing, though. When O was alive, he was a funny cat. He was so sweet and loved to sit in your lap, but he was also moody and prone to attacking you if he didn't get his way. We sometimes jokingly called him our mean kitty. If you put your face in his belly, you ran the risk of him latching on to your head with his claws. In my dream, I knew that he wouldn't try to claw me or nip at me or anything. I knew that I could totally invade his space without repercussions because he knew I needed to so badly and he was willing to let me.

It's so hard to explain something as abstract as a dream to someone else. I'm trying to convey the heartbreak and the beauty of that dream and failing so miserably. Instead, I'm making it seem like O was not a nice cat. Believe me, kid, he was. He was such a sweet cat, and I miss him so, so very much.

Last night I got to see his pretty fur again and feel how soft he was under my fingers, and smell his slightly dusty, warm scent, and feel the weight of him in my lap. And in my dream I knew that he was visiting me because I am having such a hard time in the real world, and he knew I needed something. Some comfort or some way to say goodbye, maybe? Or maybe he was just letting me know that he wasn't really gone, so I didn't need to feel so desolate about not having him around any more.

The weirdest part about this is that I don't believe in it. I don't believe in an afterlife or a god or any of that. I do believe that there is a great cycle to life, that energy and matter are two halves of a single whole. And I guess I feel like when someone dies their energy returns to the whole. But I feel it in a more concrete way than in a flighty, tarot-cards kind of way. I just mean that I think when you die, your body decays and the elements that made you go into worms or bugs or plants which in turn grow and then die. And in a larger sense, all of the elements in our bodies were made in stars billions of years ago, and billions of years from now all of the elements in our bodies will be recycled back in to the universe for some other purpose.

I guess my entire spiritual philosophy boils down to a great cosmic upcycle.

So really, I'm dreaming about O because my brain created some kind of comforting scenario for me in my subconscious because my waking mind is in such turmoil. Which makes the whole thing even more sad. Because I can't even suspend disbelief long enough to imagine that O really was visiting me.

Your grandfather-to-be (I'm thinking we're gonna go with Grambo for him...) begged me not to have O neutered when he was a kitten. O had such beautiful fur and your Grambo thought we should let him father a litter of kittens. I didn't listen for several reasons. First, there are way too many homeless kittens out there. Second, where were we going to find a female cat to mother the kittens? Third, what on earth were we going to do with an extra cat (that would have made seven total if we found O a mate) and a litter of kittens? I would never have been able to part with them. But now that he's gone, I find myself wishing that we had some small part of him left on this earth to love, like a kitten with his DNA. The only thing we have now are memories. He was one of a kind, kid, and it seems such a poor way to pay homage.

It seems pretty clear that I am slipping further and further into a fairly serious depression, and I have no idea how to pull out of it. I could go talk to someone about it, but I really don't want to. I keep thinking that I can wait it out, that grief takes time, but then I get impatient. How long is it supposed to take? Shouldn't I be feeling better at this point??

There are some bright spots, lest you think my entire life is falling apart. Well, it is, actually, but there are still some points of light. Your Dad is a big one. The other kitties are, too. They seem to know I'm struggling and have been going out of their way to comfort me. As I was sobbing earlier today, Z jumped into my lap and purred and pushed her face into my hand for pets. And head-butted my chin. Just to let me know she loved me. E curls up next to my stomach almost every night - something she never did before. D has been meowing a lot. It doesn't sound like much, but she never meows so when she does it's like a special occasion. Plus, her meows are adorable and always bring a smile to my face. K has been cuddling up on my feet every night, and climbing in to my lap if I sit still long enough on the couch. And T has been bringing me his toy mouse every day as I sit at my computer doing work. Letting me know he's thinking about making me happy. By killing a crocheted mouse... What can I say? He's a kitty.

I love you, kiddo.
Mama

Struggling. Still.

Dear Baby,

An old friend sent me a text message today with three little words. "Are you pregnant???" She said she just had "a feeling" like something was going on. What could I say? "Thanks for asking! I totally was, but had a miscarriage, then thought I might be again, but got my period, but my period is so bad I'm worried I might be having another miscarriage."

Not exactly a text messaging kind of conversation.

Instead, I fell back on the old standby. Lying. In this case, though, I'm willing to give myself a pass on the dishonesty. Normally I'm not a fan, but I think this qualifies as an instance when a person is entitled to lie with a clean conscience. I'm the one who has to live with the heartbreak, so I get to decide who gets to know about it and how best to heal from it.

I really thought I was digging myself out of the hole, kid, but it turns out I'm not. Apparently, you can't dig up. That one little question sent me in to an afternoon of crying. Not that it takes much to reduce me to tears, but there you have it. I really thought I was making some headway; that I had hit the bottom of the sorrow and was climbing out.

Turns out, not so much. And now? Now I don't even know where the bottom is. I'm starting to think I really need to talk about this with someone, but I just. Don't. Want. To. I'm obsessing about it but I'm so tired of talking about it. It's a weird dichotomy, I know.

I think the main reason I haven't wanted to talk about it is because I don't want to deal with the follow-up. I don't want anyone wondering, or worse, asking, how the whole baby-making thing is coming along. I don't want anyone to feel like it's okay to ask me questions about it. And I feel like discussing this experience out loud with someone would be giving permission, either implicit or explicit, to dig deeper into my reproductive plans, hopes, expectations, experiences.

I'm just not interested in discussing it. And since unburdening myself on someone would be entirely selfish if I laid ground rules that they weren't even allowed to think about it afterward, let alone discuss it further, I guess I'm just gonna have to go this one alone. Well, "alone" in the sense that it's just me and your Dad. Though, frankly, I'm a bit worried about that. He's been responsible for carrying the majority of the burden that is my emotional grenade. It seems unfair to make him shoulder it alone.

Sometimes I get a little mad at him about it, but I think... No, I know. I know it's just my grief. He has done nothing wrong, but I wonder why he isn't having a hard time with this. Or maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own misery that I don't see his? Maybe there is only room for one person to fall apart at a time, so he's holding it together because I so clearly can't? Or maybe he just has a cognitive separation from it that I can't possibly attain? It wasn't his body, after all. He had no physical attachment, and it was gone before he knew it existed in the first place.

I dunno, kid. I'm looking for a way out. One of our kitties is curled up in a box that is about three sizes too small for her and another is dreaming with her eyes open. It made me smile, so I guess I'll start there.

Love you.
Mama