Shutting it down.

Hey Kid -

Sorry it's been a while. I've been having serious thoughts about what to do with this little heartbreak repository, and I think it's got to go. No offense.

The truth of the matter is that I can't build on this. I can't turn this into a happy place later because it started at such a terrible place. I can't let you eventual life be overshadowed with an inauspicious beginning like this one. The miscarriage, the loss of O, the emotional fallout of the last 7 months, these are the facts of my life right now, but they aren't the *truth* of my life.

I'm working on it every day, kiddo. I have mostly good days now. Mostly. But I can't be chained to the past anymore. I have to let it go and move forward. I think about the lives I lost every day, and I probably always will. I can't imagine ever forgetting either of these two events, espcially since they are so closely linked. But I'll tell you something your Gammy said. "If you knew how it was going to end, would you do it differently? Would you not take in the stray kitten? If you are going to love and be loved, you have to be open to heartbreak. It's part of the bargain."

I'll probably print these pages out and keep them somewhere. More for the memories and dreams of O than for the reminder of how bleak a time it was. I hope to meet you on day, Kid. Until then, I'm starting fresh.

Love,
-Mama